When children trigger us it’s never about them. As much as we’d like to believe it was their fault for upsetting us. It’s not. Anything that triggers you takes you out of the present moment and stirs up feelings from the past. Your children will unintentionally bring up old wounds and childhood trauma. These are your learning points.
What do I mean by, ‘learning points’.
Well, these are the places where we identify what needs healing in our spirit. The way we do that is by opening up to the triggers and identifying the obstacle preventing us from being our best selves. Living and loving by our spirit and not by our flesh.
Many parts of unschooling will bring up old childhood wounds. This is part of the process and anything worth doing will be hard at times!
For example:
- Giving your children the freedom to live without school may be triggering because of old beliefs that children will never learn (or know what they need to learn) unless they are taught by a qualified adult.
- You might have planned an activity that you thought your children would love, but they have no interest in it whatsoever. This can create negative beliefs, such as not being capable enough to homeschool your child/children.
- Being with your children daily can be triggering if proper boundaries are not in place and if you never allow yourself a break.
Here are some suggestions for managing triggers:
Ask yourself:
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
- Is my child misbehaving because he’s trying to make me mad?
- This story would certainly cause me to become frustrated and yell at him.
- Is my child misbehaving because he sees his sister getting attention and he hasn’t had any connection time yet today?
- The second story is something I can empathize with and gives me the chance to slow down and create 1:1 time with him. We will both feel better with the second outcome and I will likely feel positive throughout the day from solving the issue without blinding anger.
The stories we create in our mind will impact how we react to any situation. The best thing we can do is find clarity in thinking and remain compassionate towards our children. I know easier said than done. Here are some tips to create that space and see each experience with fresh eyes and as a chance to grow and heal.
Ask yourself:
What do I need in this moment?
Do I need to take a walk?
- Fresh air and movement can help release pent up energy.
Have some quiet time to myself?
- Not always feasible but necessary to notice when overstimulation occurs.
- Where can you insert time to yourself to ensure this need is met?
Do I need to set more boundaries?
This is often the case for me and some suggestions that have made our homeschool life much more manageable.
- Giving more responsibilities to the kids such as, cleaning up dishes, allowing bigger children to help out with younger ones, giving each child responsibility over what they need for an outing.
- Setting blocks of time in the day for everyone to have their own independent time.
- Getting outside daily so the kids can get their energy out in appropriate ways.
- Getting time away for ME time.
Accomplish a task that I haven’t had a chance to get to?
This could be anything. Laundry, dishes, gathering the materials for that project the kids want to do, rearranging kid areas, declutter the closet, etc. As homeschoolers we actually have to intentionally stay home some times so I can get things done. It can be hard to say, “no” to fun activities but getting things done to make your life more enjoyable is worth the peace of mind.
More support?
Breaks are necessary and can give us a fresh perspective. It’s also much easier to be a calmer less triggered parent when I have gotten a break from the busy-ness that is raising children.
- Build in nights where your spouse does the bedtime.
- Set up a kid-share with your other homeschool friends so you all get a break during the week.
- Discuss having a set screen time with your kids so you all have a break at the same time.
- Take a few hours as often as you can to do things that fill your cup. Painting, visiting a museum, going to a class at the gym, working on a fun project, etc.
Have I gotten proper nutrition?
It’s easy to forget that proper nutrients are essential to our mental health. Eating proper meals, getting adequate rest and exercise, having time to shower and get dressed in real clothes can all have a big impact on the way we see ourselves.
In addition to discovering what you need during hard moments, journaling your feelings can help in understanding where the feelings are coming from and how to handle situations better next time. I start with whatever is coming up for me or start with a prompt such as, “I reacted this way and next time I will try to…”
Triggers can be revealing in so many ways. Embracing unschooling introduces a wealth of new experiences and emotions, prompting us to ponder the profound significance of living this unconventional life. You are a true trailblazer, driven by your unique motivations to pursue the road less traveled. This is supposed to be a journey, not a destination. The best thing you can do for you and your family is take care of your needs so you can be the person you want to be for your family.