Why don’t you have to fear your child isn’t being social enough?

As a former Speech-Language Pathologist, I felt the need to ensure my children were social and not thought of as “awkward homeschooled kids.” I took them to every playdate we were invited to and made sure we were engaged in constant homeschool activities.

You may think, “That’s awesome that you had them out and about so much and ensured they were being social!” And yes, I believe we did the right thing most of the time.

There were times, though, when I felt like I SHOULD be socializing regardless of how tired I was or that I had a lot of other things I’d prefer doing. I put pressure on myself to do more than was necessary. 

It also inhibited their ability to play independently at home. They began asking, “Where are we going today? Will we see so and so?”

On days that I had to answer, “We’re staying home, and no, we won’t see our friends,” they would become distraught and angry towards me. I felt something wasn’t quite right. My children were very social but preferred being with friends to anything else. 

Thankfully, I came across the book “Hold onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers”  by Gabor Mate, M.D. and Gorden Neufield, Ph. D. I found it to be eye opening regarding society’s cultural issue of children being less attached to their parents and other adults and find their attachments need being met with their peers. 

According to Dr. Gabor Mate, “Peer Orientation” refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: their sense of right and wrong, codes of conduct, and their very identity.

They note that peer orientation has been increasing with every generation, and likely, our generation is so immersed in it that we don’t even see a problem. We actually encourage independence from us. If a child isn’t independent enough, we may feel shame or discouragement that our child is immature or seen as too attached. 

Some kids prefer the company of family, and that’s okay. You aren’t doing anything wrong, and it’s quite healthy for them to build confidence with you. When they are securely attached, they will gravitate toward other children who are also securely attached. 

So where do they learn to socialize if they aren’t in school or with peers all day?

Within the family

We, as parents, are their first teachers. Children naturally learn through our modeling and treatment of them. If we’re polite towards them, they will be curteous towards us (sometimes) and others. They grow more confident through conversations with us, extending into the real world. They also learn what a positive, nurturing relationship is, which helps them navigate friendships as they grow up.

Role Play

Practice social skills through role play. Pretending to order food at a restaurant, learning to share toys, and learning to take turns in a game. Anything you think might be a useful social skill for them when interacting in the real world. 

Real Life Experiences 

Our children learn social skills through activities, classes, or sports with other children of all ages, the store clerk, the mail person, and other parents. 

Through extended family interactions 

FaceTime or in real life. All of it matters, and the more they’re around adults caring and loving them, the more they will build connections that grow their sense of self. 

With siblings 

As much as siblings fight, it’s actually a great way for them to learn how to navigate relationships. As parents, we can coach them through these tough moments and give them the tools to navigate relationships in the future. 

The book recommends reducing the time spent with friends if it’s becoming too much or they’re obsessive about it. I noticed that as our family spent more time together, our kids became closer to each other and to us and had less anger about not seeing friends as often. 

“Collect” Your Child

“When a kid walks in a room—your child or anybody else’s child—does your face light up? That’s what they’re looking for”– Toni Morrison

One way to build attachment from Gabor and Neufield is to “collect” your child. This essentially means to build your connection with them.  “Collect” them when they have spent time apart from you. This means giving your child a warm greeting, making eye contact, giving undivided attention, and using a calm tone of voice.

 Times that children need to be “collected” by their parents/caregivers are first thing in the morning, after spending time on screens, after spending time at an activity, after spending time with friends, etc. 

If friendships are more interesting than spending time with family, it’s a good idea to bring some fun back into your home and focus on building connection. 

How to Create Connection Amongst Your Family

• Have a weekly game night
• Try a movie night 
• Take a child to have 1:1 time with you; take them on a date
• Use active listening when they talk to you
• Read together
• Be present at meal times 

As homeschoolers, we are living a life outside of the norm. We can get caught up in the fear that since we’re not living conventionally, our children may not turn out right.  Of course our children need friends to learn how to be a part of the world around them. I am not advocating for sheltering a child. However, our children need us more than they need their peers. We put more pressure on ourselves than there needs to be, and your children will likely gain plenty of socialization skills from your home. 

What are your concerns around socializing your kids? Leave a comment below. :)